Category Archives: Christmas

Light and Love in the Darkness of Christmas

22 Sunday Dec 2013

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candlight in the darknessI’ve been pondering the sadness of the season today. Perhaps “the sadness of the season” sounds as odd to your ears as it does mine.

As I’ve passed a particular street on my walks this month, I’ve been mindful of a family who lost one of their sons around this time last year. I don’t know the family, but I say a prayer for them as I walk by their street, and I imagine the dissonance they must be experiencing as they feel their pain in a season when retail holiday tracks sound, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.”

A family I know is currently unemployed. I don’t know the details of their financial situation, but I’ve imagined myself and my family in their shoes. I think of how hard it would be to try to celebrate Christmas in the way that we’re used to, with a dwindling bank account and the uncertainty of not knowing when we’re going to see the next paycheck. Would I welcome the generosity of others toward me and my family or would I go into a kind of hiding, finding it too humbling and too difficult to be on the receiving end of giving.

On one hand I imagine the difficulty of telling our kids that we’re not going to be able to buy any gifts this Christmas. On the other hand, I find myself envying the simplicity of that kind of Christmas. I could send out an email saying, “You know our situation. We won’t be able to buy any presents this year, and we know you won’t hold it against us. Thanks for your love and understanding.” No shopping, no rushing around, no worrying about whether people will like my gifts or find them lacking.

I don’t have any personal wounds that are triggered by the holidays, but I’m sensitive to the pain of others. This morning as the fourth Advent candle, the candle of “peace,” was lit in my church, I couldn’t help but think of the violence that exists around the world. I couldn’t help but think of victims of injustice who are not experiencing peace right now.

During our worship gathering, one of our pastors asked us to consider how we have experienced the good news of Christmas recently. I had to think about that question for awhile before I came to an answer that resonated as true for me.

What I appreciate most about Christmas is the season of Advent. I’m grateful that our foremothers and forefathers chose to set aside a month-long season leading up to Christmas to focus on waiting, to sit with the longings of their hearts, and to ponder darkness and light.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5

The good news that I’ve experienced about Christmas is not that it’s “the most wonderful time of the year.” The good news of Christmas is that God came and continues to come into the deepest longing, sorrow, and darkness of our world. God is not far off, removed and immune to our pain. God is near. God is here, with us. God is with those who suffer, mourning with those who mourn, grieving with those who grieve.

I trust that God is comforting the mother, father, and sibling of that young man who died last year, whose street I pass on my walks. I trust that God is providing for my friends who are between jobs, and that God is giving their family a special joy this Christmas that has nothing to do with gifts or financial security. I trust that God is with the girl trapped in the sex trade, holding her close and counting her tears.

“You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8

This trust compels me to accept God’s invitation to be a part of the work of Light. One of the greatest comforts to me at Christmastime is realizing that my family and I can be bearers of Light in our dark world. Through partnering and giving to organizations like International Justice Mission, Grace Ministries Thailand, and others, we get to push back the darkness by adding to the light. 

If you feel like crying this Christmas, please do. Allow yourself to grieve your own losses and to grieve with others who are grieving. Thank God for the empathy and sensitivity that exists in your heart. Then ask God how you might add to the light in some way for others. If you are going through a particularly dark season yourself, ask for the grace and the ability to receive from God more of God’s light and love for you.

“Look! The virgin will conceive a child!
She will give birth to a son,
and they will call him Immanuel,
which means ‘God is with us.’” Matthew 1:23

May you experience the Light, the Hope and the Peace of Christmas, even as you experience the pain of the darkness. And may you know that you are not alone. Immanuel, God, is with you.

Christmas Gifts You Don’t Have to Shop For

12 Thursday Dec 2013

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My article “Christmas Gifts You Don’t Have to Shop For” was published by Relevant Magazine today.

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I remember the first year my husband and I decided not to give our friends and loved ones stuff for Christmas. Instead of giving tangible, wrap-able things, we gave “relational” gifts.

We gave my brother- and sister-in-law a homemade gift certificate for an evening out together, just the four of us. My sister-in-law is an artist and they both enjoy good food, so we made the gift certificate for something called the Alberta Street Art Walk and dinner at a restaurant of their choosing.

As Christmas Eve approached, I got nervous about the gift. What if they think it’s lame? What if they don’t want to spend time with us? What if they’d rather have a traditional thing to open and take home with them? Doubts and second guessing persisted. But on Christmas Eve, they unwrapped our gift certificate and genuinely liked it.

We enjoyed two family members whom we’d never spent time with outside of extended family gatherings, and they seemed to enjoy spending time with us, too.

I was first introduced to relational gifts five years ago by Advent Conspiracy. Taking their cue from the first Christmas—God giving himself relationally by coming to be with us—relational gifts are rooted in the gift of presence.

For most relational gifts, it makes sense to create your own gift certificate describing the relational outing that you and the receiver will experience together at a later date. Here are a few ideas to get your creative juices flowing:

For the Theater Buff

Go to a play together. Buy tickets in advance or let your theater friend choose the play. Print out show listings from local theaters and include them with a homemade gift certificate.

Tip: Community theater companies, acting schools, community colleges, colleges and universities all offer good shows at lower prices.

For the Music Lover

Go to a concert together. Buy tickets in advance or make a homemade gift certificate that’s good for going to a 2014 concert together. You can print out concert schedules from local venues and include them with your gift certificate.

Tip: Many cities have a free outdoor summer concert series. Make a gift certificate for an outdoor summer concert including a picnic dinner. Make the dinner yourself or order it. Be sure to bring a nice blanket, drinks and tableware (the real stuff, not paper or plastic).

For the Foodie:

Going to a restaurant is sort of a no-brainer, but maybe think a little beyond that. Take a one-time cooking class together. These popular classes usually have 8-12 participants and end with everyone eating the meal they prepared. Do an Internet search or call a specialty cooking store to find classes. Cook up more fun by adding more friends or family to the mix.

For the Art Lover:

Go to an art show, art walk or art museum. Or take a one-time art class together. Community centers often offer one-time art classes on Saturdays or Sundays.

Tip: Many cities have a free once-a-month art walk where local art galleries stay open late and sometimes offer complimentary appetizers or wine.

For the Dancer (or wannabe dancer):

Totally impress your significant other by signing up for a multi-week group or private dance class (6-8 weeks is typical). Consider the type of dance—swing, salsa, ballroom, etc. Ask a subtle question (or get someone else to) to find out which style your partner would most enjoy.

Tip: Do some research to find a venue with live music and dancing, as well as a dance class at the beginning. The cover charge is usually low and the dance lesson is often free.

For the Book Worm:

Go to the best bookstore in town together on a weekend night when they offer something special like a reading by a featured author. Take your time meandering the aisles together with no timeline or agenda. Part of your gift might include buying a book for your bookworm. Add lunch, dinner or dessert to round out the experience.

For the Sports Nut:

Sports fans are used to getting jerseys, new footballs and memorabilia, but nothing rivals the best and most obvious gift for any sports nut: go to a game. If your sports nut is game, dress in goofy team color outfits and cover as much skin as possible in face paint.

For the Outdoor Adventurer:

Plan a half-day, all-day or overnight trip. Go hiking, snow shoeing, rock climbing, snow mobiling, horse back riding, skiing, ice skating (outdoors), snowboarding, or cycling. Make the trip even better by purchasing or preparing some really good food.

For the Kids:

Consider going on a special date with your child, godchild, niece or nephew doing something that fits her or his unique interests—Swimming, go-carting, trampolining, zoo, paint-your-own pottery, sporting event, bowling, movie, skating, etc. Go out for cupcakes, ice cream or dessert of any kind afterwards and you’ll be golden.

If the thought of spending evenings and weekends Christmas shopping depresses you, or you’d like to help debunk the myth that Christmas is about getting and giving stuff, try giving relational gifts this year, even just one, and see what happens.

Christmas Doesn’t Have to Be This Way!

03 Tuesday Dec 2013

Posted by in Christmas, holiday, mom myths

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My article “Christmas Doesn’t Have to be This Way!” (below) was published online this week by Today’s Christian Woman in their Parenting section. You can find it on their website here. 

Chistmas woman 2Christmas Day 2004 was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was the Christmas where the proverbial poop hit the fan—when I finally said to my husband what I’d been stuffing down for the eight years we’d been married:

“I hate Christmas!”

Taking my cue from some of the psalmists, I decided to vent. I grabbed a pencil and paper and scribbled down everything I hated about Christmas.

I despised traveling at Christmas—the stress of packing, crowded airports, and traveling with kids. I disliked the lack of physical and mental space I experienced when we stayed in someone else’s house with two other families. I love my extended family, but living under one roof with them for 10 days does not foster “peace on earth and goodwill to men,” moms, or nephews.

Trying to come up with gift ideas for 19 relatives who already had everything they needed exhausted me. I was bitter about spending my evenings and weekends shopping. The facial expressions of the strung out shoppers around me all seemed to ask the same rhetorical question: Why are we doing this?

When our kids unwrapped gift upon gift from loving, well-meaning relatives, my husband and I pictured our house piling up with more toys than our kids could possibly play with. After we’d loaded all of the gifts into our van, we stared in shock at the snapshot of excess and consumerism before us.

Chistmas womanThe final item on my list was the pressure I felt to try to fulfill the expectations of my parents, in-laws, grandparents, husband, and children, and the stress I experienced when one person’s expectations conflicted with another’s. Trying to make everyone happy was emotionally exhausting and impossible.

When I put my pencil down, I felt a deep sadness that the Christmas season, which was supposed to be a time of worship and meaningful reflection, was instead a season of strain and stress. I sat with this sadness for several minutes in a silent prayer of lament.

Then I had an epiphany: Christmas doesn’t have to be this way! I awakened to the reality that I could choose to say “no” to excess, people pleasing, and the things that, for me, crowd Jesus out of Christmas. I realized that in saying “no” to these things I could say “yes” to a more peaceful Advent season that gives my family and me the space to ponder the mystery and miracle of Christmas.

Since my “a-ha” moment, our Christmases have gotten progressively better. We’ve stopped traveling at Christmas, and instead travel to see extended family during the summer. We gently encourage our parents to give our children fewer gifts, and we spend less time shopping by giving relational gifts of quality time. (We make and give gift certificates that are for spending time together, doing something we know they’ll enjoy—taking my parents to a play, for example.)

My husband has released himself from the pressure to spend two cold, miserable Saturdays on a ladder hanging up and taking down Christmas lights. I’ve released myself from the pressure to send out a Christmas card with a shiny happy photo of our family. I’ve also finally rejected two culturally ingrained mother myths—one, that there’s such a thing as a perfect Christmas, and two, that it’s my job to make everyone happy.

Is God nudging you to re-think the way you approach the Christmas season? Trust the Spirit’s promptings and enjoy the freedom and space to worship Jesus fully this Advent season.

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Advent Expectation: A quote

22 Saturday Dec 2012

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Advent does not lead to nervous tension stemming from expectation of something spectacular about to happen. Rather, it leads to a growing inner stillness and joy allowing me to realize that the One for whom I am waiting has already arrived and speaks to me in the silence of my heart.

Just as a mother feels the child grow in her and is not surprised on the day of the birth but joyfully receives the one she learned to know during her waiting, so Jesus can be born in my life slowly and steadily and be received as the one I learned to know while waiting.

From Living in Hope: Advent Meditations from the writings of Henri Nouwen

Releasing the [Christmas] Outcome, Embracing the Process

21 Friday Dec 2012

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Tom and Jerry ornamentWednesday morning I sat at the kitchen table on the brink of tears. I was looking at the ornaments on our tree that I’d bought the kids over the years. Ornaments that reflect a milestone or something special they did each year: the swimming reindeer, Santa riding a bike, Tom reading a book to Jerry.

This year, the day we got our Christmas tree was the same day we needed to celebrate Christmas with my mom, who was heading out of town for Christmas. After tromping through the tree farm, setting up the tree, and struggling with multiple strands of tree lights that had large sections that wouldn’t light up, I ran out of steam.

I knew I needed to lie down in order to have the energy for the Christmas celebration that was starting in an hour and a half. So I decided to take a nap with Andy while the kids put up their special ornaments without us.

As I sat at my kitchen table looking at the tree I thought, Did I totally blow that Christmas tradition? What kind of parents take a nap while their kids decorate the tree by themselves? Note to self: In the future, don’t get a tree on the same day as an early Christmas celebration. 

This is what I do. I make mental notes, trying to learn from mistakes and circumstances in order to make it better next time. I’ve been doing this with Christmas for years, and it has helped. Our family does experience more peaceful, meaningful Christmases because of these tweaks and adjustments.

But there’s a flip side to this coin. My desire to make things better can lead me to believe that one day I’ll get it all right. That one day, I’ll get through the Christmas season without stress or tears. That one day I’ll think up creative gift ideas with joy and ease, and never second guess them. That one day I’ll find the perfect Advent readings and music that will usher our family into the full meaning and wonder of Christmas.

That day will never come.

And that’s okay. I’m getting more and more comfortable at Christmastime, and life in general, with releasing the outcome and learning to embrace the process. I’m always going to be in process and so are my kids.

They’re not supposed to grasp the full wonder and mystery of Christmas in one season, or even in their 18 years in my care. They get to continue pondering and opening themselves up to more and more of God’s beauty, mystery, and love for the rest of their lives. This is good.

As I embrace this on-going, formative journey I can be more gentle with myself. I can see myself more often as God’s child. Learning and growing, making mistakes along the way. And all the while, deeply loved.