Category Archives: holiday

Wash Someone’s Feet Today [Maundy Thursday]

17 Thursday Apr 2014

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Foot washing 1Today is Maundy Thursday, or Holy Thursday, the day that Christians around the world remember Jesus’s “last supper” with his disciples and the way he shocked his followers by washing their feet (a task typically done by servants because it was considered low, dirty work).

Several years ago, on Maundy Thursday, I discovered a brown paper bag on my doorstep. Inside I found four rolls, four grape juice boxes, and a washcloth. My friend Doreen left it for our family with a note explaining that for many years she and her family had enjoyed the ritual of washing each other’s feet and taking communion together on Holy Thursday.

After dinner that night, I pulled out one of our children’s Bibles and read the story of the last supper to our two kids. Our family then took turns washing each other’s feet in a plastic tub of warm water. The kids were 3 and 6 years old at the time and they were very sweet and cute as they carefully rubbed our feet with the wet washcloth, then patted each foot dry with a clean towel.

Our kids were particularly fond of the grape juice boxes and rolls, so much so that the following year they asked me to buy the exact same brand of grape juice boxes and to ask Doreen which grocery store she had bought the rolls from so that we could get the same ones.

foot washing 2Over the years, the kids have taken more ownership of this tradition.

When my son Jonah was 4 years old he asked if he could hold the bread and juice and say “the words” to each person. (“The body of Jesus, broken for you” and “The blood of Jesus, poured out for you.”) When it was time for the bread and juice, he had his dad and sister get in a line facing him. He picked up a roll, held it out to his dad, then leaned over to me and whispered, “What’s my line again?”

foot washing 3Another year the kids wanted to invite their neighborhood friends to join in, so we bought more rolls and juice and enjoyed sharing this tradition with a small flock of kids.

foot washing 4The first year our church had a Maundy Thursday service, our family planned to attend, so I didn’t buy any rolls or juice knowing that we’d take communion at church. But as soon as the service was over, the kids asked if we were going to “do it as a family” when we got home. They insisted on stopping at the store on our way home to get our own rolls and juice so we could continue what had become one of their favorite family traditions.

Symbols and rituals mean a lot to children. They learn best experientially when they engage their sense of touch, taste, sound, smell, and sight. (Adults do too.)

Perhaps you’d like to try this with your family or others. If you don’t have a tub, basin, or large bowl for the foot washing, you can use the bathtub. Be creative.

If you try it, I’d love to hear about it. Please share your stories in the comments. If you have other Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, or Easter rituals and traditions that you’d like to share, please do!

 

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Christmas Gifts You Don’t Have to Shop For

12 Thursday Dec 2013

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My article “Christmas Gifts You Don’t Have to Shop For” was published by Relevant Magazine today.

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I remember the first year my husband and I decided not to give our friends and loved ones stuff for Christmas. Instead of giving tangible, wrap-able things, we gave “relational” gifts.

We gave my brother- and sister-in-law a homemade gift certificate for an evening out together, just the four of us. My sister-in-law is an artist and they both enjoy good food, so we made the gift certificate for something called the Alberta Street Art Walk and dinner at a restaurant of their choosing.

As Christmas Eve approached, I got nervous about the gift. What if they think it’s lame? What if they don’t want to spend time with us? What if they’d rather have a traditional thing to open and take home with them? Doubts and second guessing persisted. But on Christmas Eve, they unwrapped our gift certificate and genuinely liked it.

We enjoyed two family members whom we’d never spent time with outside of extended family gatherings, and they seemed to enjoy spending time with us, too.

I was first introduced to relational gifts five years ago by Advent Conspiracy. Taking their cue from the first Christmas—God giving himself relationally by coming to be with us—relational gifts are rooted in the gift of presence.

For most relational gifts, it makes sense to create your own gift certificate describing the relational outing that you and the receiver will experience together at a later date. Here are a few ideas to get your creative juices flowing:

For the Theater Buff

Go to a play together. Buy tickets in advance or let your theater friend choose the play. Print out show listings from local theaters and include them with a homemade gift certificate.

Tip: Community theater companies, acting schools, community colleges, colleges and universities all offer good shows at lower prices.

For the Music Lover

Go to a concert together. Buy tickets in advance or make a homemade gift certificate that’s good for going to a 2014 concert together. You can print out concert schedules from local venues and include them with your gift certificate.

Tip: Many cities have a free outdoor summer concert series. Make a gift certificate for an outdoor summer concert including a picnic dinner. Make the dinner yourself or order it. Be sure to bring a nice blanket, drinks and tableware (the real stuff, not paper or plastic).

For the Foodie:

Going to a restaurant is sort of a no-brainer, but maybe think a little beyond that. Take a one-time cooking class together. These popular classes usually have 8-12 participants and end with everyone eating the meal they prepared. Do an Internet search or call a specialty cooking store to find classes. Cook up more fun by adding more friends or family to the mix.

For the Art Lover:

Go to an art show, art walk or art museum. Or take a one-time art class together. Community centers often offer one-time art classes on Saturdays or Sundays.

Tip: Many cities have a free once-a-month art walk where local art galleries stay open late and sometimes offer complimentary appetizers or wine.

For the Dancer (or wannabe dancer):

Totally impress your significant other by signing up for a multi-week group or private dance class (6-8 weeks is typical). Consider the type of dance—swing, salsa, ballroom, etc. Ask a subtle question (or get someone else to) to find out which style your partner would most enjoy.

Tip: Do some research to find a venue with live music and dancing, as well as a dance class at the beginning. The cover charge is usually low and the dance lesson is often free.

For the Book Worm:

Go to the best bookstore in town together on a weekend night when they offer something special like a reading by a featured author. Take your time meandering the aisles together with no timeline or agenda. Part of your gift might include buying a book for your bookworm. Add lunch, dinner or dessert to round out the experience.

For the Sports Nut:

Sports fans are used to getting jerseys, new footballs and memorabilia, but nothing rivals the best and most obvious gift for any sports nut: go to a game. If your sports nut is game, dress in goofy team color outfits and cover as much skin as possible in face paint.

For the Outdoor Adventurer:

Plan a half-day, all-day or overnight trip. Go hiking, snow shoeing, rock climbing, snow mobiling, horse back riding, skiing, ice skating (outdoors), snowboarding, or cycling. Make the trip even better by purchasing or preparing some really good food.

For the Kids:

Consider going on a special date with your child, godchild, niece or nephew doing something that fits her or his unique interests—Swimming, go-carting, trampolining, zoo, paint-your-own pottery, sporting event, bowling, movie, skating, etc. Go out for cupcakes, ice cream or dessert of any kind afterwards and you’ll be golden.

If the thought of spending evenings and weekends Christmas shopping depresses you, or you’d like to help debunk the myth that Christmas is about getting and giving stuff, try giving relational gifts this year, even just one, and see what happens.

Christmas Doesn’t Have to Be This Way!

03 Tuesday Dec 2013

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My article “Christmas Doesn’t Have to be This Way!” (below) was published online this week by Today’s Christian Woman in their Parenting section. You can find it on their website here. 

Chistmas woman 2Christmas Day 2004 was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was the Christmas where the proverbial poop hit the fan—when I finally said to my husband what I’d been stuffing down for the eight years we’d been married:

“I hate Christmas!”

Taking my cue from some of the psalmists, I decided to vent. I grabbed a pencil and paper and scribbled down everything I hated about Christmas.

I despised traveling at Christmas—the stress of packing, crowded airports, and traveling with kids. I disliked the lack of physical and mental space I experienced when we stayed in someone else’s house with two other families. I love my extended family, but living under one roof with them for 10 days does not foster “peace on earth and goodwill to men,” moms, or nephews.

Trying to come up with gift ideas for 19 relatives who already had everything they needed exhausted me. I was bitter about spending my evenings and weekends shopping. The facial expressions of the strung out shoppers around me all seemed to ask the same rhetorical question: Why are we doing this?

When our kids unwrapped gift upon gift from loving, well-meaning relatives, my husband and I pictured our house piling up with more toys than our kids could possibly play with. After we’d loaded all of the gifts into our van, we stared in shock at the snapshot of excess and consumerism before us.

Chistmas womanThe final item on my list was the pressure I felt to try to fulfill the expectations of my parents, in-laws, grandparents, husband, and children, and the stress I experienced when one person’s expectations conflicted with another’s. Trying to make everyone happy was emotionally exhausting and impossible.

When I put my pencil down, I felt a deep sadness that the Christmas season, which was supposed to be a time of worship and meaningful reflection, was instead a season of strain and stress. I sat with this sadness for several minutes in a silent prayer of lament.

Then I had an epiphany: Christmas doesn’t have to be this way! I awakened to the reality that I could choose to say “no” to excess, people pleasing, and the things that, for me, crowd Jesus out of Christmas. I realized that in saying “no” to these things I could say “yes” to a more peaceful Advent season that gives my family and me the space to ponder the mystery and miracle of Christmas.

Since my “a-ha” moment, our Christmases have gotten progressively better. We’ve stopped traveling at Christmas, and instead travel to see extended family during the summer. We gently encourage our parents to give our children fewer gifts, and we spend less time shopping by giving relational gifts of quality time. (We make and give gift certificates that are for spending time together, doing something we know they’ll enjoy—taking my parents to a play, for example.)

My husband has released himself from the pressure to spend two cold, miserable Saturdays on a ladder hanging up and taking down Christmas lights. I’ve released myself from the pressure to send out a Christmas card with a shiny happy photo of our family. I’ve also finally rejected two culturally ingrained mother myths—one, that there’s such a thing as a perfect Christmas, and two, that it’s my job to make everyone happy.

Is God nudging you to re-think the way you approach the Christmas season? Trust the Spirit’s promptings and enjoy the freedom and space to worship Jesus fully this Advent season.

New Year’s Awkwardness

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

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new year eveNew Year’s is an awkward holiday. Cultural influences make me believe that I should be at a party on New Year’s Eve. The thought of staying home with just my immediate family makes me feel like kind of a loser.

Which is what happened this year. Andy and I got married on December 30th seventeen years ago, so we’re usually too busy planning and enjoying a two-night anniversary getaway to have space to plan a New Year’s Eve party.

Another awkwardness is the pressure to look back and reflect on the year. Sometimes I don’t want to do that. Sometimes the year has been hard, like this year, and I’m afraid to look back. Afraid I’ll come up empty in the “highlights” or  “successes” category.

Today, however, I went for a walk and decided I wasn’t going to let fear push me around. I was going to take a brave look at 2012 and see how much good I could come up with. Things I could either feel proud of or grateful for.

It was a helpful exercise that got me feeling good about 2012 in essentially three categories: Ways I invested in my kids, my marriage, and myself.

I feel good about the ordinary ways I invested in my kids that weren’t necessarily fun. Like helping them with their homework and guitar practice. And making them healthy school lunches and dinners that usually included a vegetable.

I’m not saying dinners were amazing or that my attitude about homework was always positive. What I’m saying is that I showed up, day after day, and I think that’s worth celebrating.

I feel good about the way Andy and I invested in our relationship. We went on lots of dates and spent four fabulous days hiking Mt. Rainier during the peak of the wildflower bloom. There’s something wonderful and intimate about experiencing that kind of awe inspiring beauty together.

Last but not least, I feel good about the ways I invested in myself. I took a writing class and joined a teacher-facilitated writing group. These two investments of time and money equipped me to start this blog-website and get published in 17 regional parenting magazines. 2012 was also the year I decided to go back to graduate school, applied for a scholarship, and found out that I got it.

I struggled with the decision to spend $250 on a writing class and to spend a heck of a lot more than that to go back to seminary. It saddens me that I struggled with believing that I was worth this kind of investment. But I’m grateful for the process and the outcome of that struggle.

These good things were true of my 2012. Struggle, stress, and pain were also true of it. Looking back I see moments of darkness and despair, and moments of grace, light, hope, and beauty. It was a good year. It was a hard year. It was a year of being human.

What does the end of the year (or beginning of the new year) stir up in you? 

The Post-Christmas Blues

27 Thursday Dec 2012

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thai take outYep, this is where I’m at. The post-Christmas blues. I’m guessing I’m not the only one.

My oldest is out on a shopping date with her grandma.

Andy is at a coffee shop, putting boundaries around his work so that when he comes home he can be fully here, not worrying or thinking about work.

I’m home with a sick kid.

Our family is in that place where we’ve eaten too much sugar and what we’re craving is a really good salad or soup. But we’re pretty much out of fresh fruit and vegetables and need to go to the grocery store. But we don’t have the energy or motivation to go grocery shopping or to cook.

We’re in lazy, vacation mode. Which is great until it turns into depressed, isolated mode.

Vacation time is tricky. It’s hard to find the balance between our need for restful downtime and our need for community. We need days where we don’t set alarms or have an agenda. But those days can also get long and lonely.

As much as I love my family, I can only sleep in late and sit around in my pajamas watching movies with them for so long.

It’s time to get out of the house. I need fresh air, I need to see friends, I need to eat a healthy flavorful meal that I don’t have to cook. But with a sick kid, that’s probably not going to happen.

Little WomenI addressed two of the above a few minutes ago when the sun was out. I took my sick boy outside with a stack of books, blankets, and two camping chairs. We read two stories in the fresh air and sunshine before we got too cold and came back in.

I saw three neighbors but only made eye contact and exchanged a wave with one of them. Oh well.

I guess we often can’t get all of our needs met in the same day. Maybe tomorrow my son will feel better so we can see some friends. For tonight, I’ll just have to console myself with Thai take-out and, perhaps, Little Women. 

Releasing the [Christmas] Outcome, Embracing the Process

21 Friday Dec 2012

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Tom and Jerry ornamentWednesday morning I sat at the kitchen table on the brink of tears. I was looking at the ornaments on our tree that I’d bought the kids over the years. Ornaments that reflect a milestone or something special they did each year: the swimming reindeer, Santa riding a bike, Tom reading a book to Jerry.

This year, the day we got our Christmas tree was the same day we needed to celebrate Christmas with my mom, who was heading out of town for Christmas. After tromping through the tree farm, setting up the tree, and struggling with multiple strands of tree lights that had large sections that wouldn’t light up, I ran out of steam.

I knew I needed to lie down in order to have the energy for the Christmas celebration that was starting in an hour and a half. So I decided to take a nap with Andy while the kids put up their special ornaments without us.

As I sat at my kitchen table looking at the tree I thought, Did I totally blow that Christmas tradition? What kind of parents take a nap while their kids decorate the tree by themselves? Note to self: In the future, don’t get a tree on the same day as an early Christmas celebration. 

This is what I do. I make mental notes, trying to learn from mistakes and circumstances in order to make it better next time. I’ve been doing this with Christmas for years, and it has helped. Our family does experience more peaceful, meaningful Christmases because of these tweaks and adjustments.

But there’s a flip side to this coin. My desire to make things better can lead me to believe that one day I’ll get it all right. That one day, I’ll get through the Christmas season without stress or tears. That one day I’ll think up creative gift ideas with joy and ease, and never second guess them. That one day I’ll find the perfect Advent readings and music that will usher our family into the full meaning and wonder of Christmas.

That day will never come.

And that’s okay. I’m getting more and more comfortable at Christmastime, and life in general, with releasing the outcome and learning to embrace the process. I’m always going to be in process and so are my kids.

They’re not supposed to grasp the full wonder and mystery of Christmas in one season, or even in their 18 years in my care. They get to continue pondering and opening themselves up to more and more of God’s beauty, mystery, and love for the rest of their lives. This is good.

As I embrace this on-going, formative journey I can be more gentle with myself. I can see myself more often as God’s child. Learning and growing, making mistakes along the way. And all the while, deeply loved.

Resisting Isolation, Reaching for Community

17 Monday Dec 2012

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I opened my laptop around noon on Friday. Compelled by puzzling Facebook updates and emails from our kids’ principal and pastor, I typed in the first news website that came to mind. I read the headline, stunned and silent.

As I read more details, the tears came. I grieved and sobbed at the kitchen table, alone in my house.

Three hours later, as I was pulling out of my garage to pick up my kids from school, I noticed a white Suburban in my friend Karen’s driveway. I knew it belonged to Julie, Karen’s friend with five kids.

comforting friendsKaren has four kids. I think she and Julie have that I’m-totally-outnumbered-and-so-beyond-caring-what-other-people-think-of-me bond that moms of lots of kids have.

Their husbands often have to be away for work, so Karen and Julie frequently have dinner together, enjoying the company of another mom who’s comfortable with the chaos of nine kids under nine running around.

As I drove past Julie’s Suburban I thought, This is beautiful. I was pretty sure Julie and Karen must have decided that this wasn’t a good day to be alone. The fact that one of them, on this dark day, took the simple step of inviting the other over (or inviting herself over), was deeply beautiful to me.

I noticed the contrast. I chose to remain alone in my house, crying with my computer.

I chose isolation.

They chose to be in the presence of another human being. To hug and cry with a real, live person, even at the risk of feeling foolish for messy, unpredictable emotions.

They reached for community.

In my Advent reading this morning, Henri Nouwen pointed out that in the early part of the Christmas story neither Mary nor her cousin Elizabeth experienced the waiting of her unexpected pregnancy in isolation. They spent three months of their pregnancies together in Elizabeth’s home.

God’s most radical intervention into history was listened to and received in community,” Nouwen said. “How can I ever let God’s grace fully work in my life unless I live in a community of people who can affirm it, deepen it, and strengthen it?

I can experience Emmanuel, “God with us,” when I’m alone in my house or car. God is with me when no one else is around. But this season also reminds me that “the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.” (John 1:14) Or as another translation puts it, “The Word became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighborhood.”

I need to meet God more often in the flesh, blood and embrace of my friends and neighbors.

I hope and pray that our Newtown neighbors will experience God-with-us love and God-in-flesh comfort in the arms and homes of their communities: communities of faith, family, neighbors and friends.

Darkness, Waiting and [Advent] Longing

12 Wednesday Dec 2012

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candleOn dark gray days, I’m glad Advent is in winter. Darkness is an Advent theme, as are waiting and longing. These themes resonate with me.

For about a year and a half I’ve been in a season of mid-life struggle. I’ve longed for something more than carpool, grocery runs and helping my kids with their homework. I’ve experienced an ache in my heart for something new–a new passion or purpose to get me out of bed in the morning.

That longing hasn’t been fully satisfied yet.

Mid-life is often a season of waiting, I’ve heard. Waiting for the “what’s next” to unfold. Sue Monk Kidd, in her book When the Heart Waits, likens this season to the cocooning stage of the caterpillar. It must wait in the darkness of the cocoon before it can emerge in its new and beautiful form. Waiting in the darkness, cocooning, is part of the process of transformation.

when the heart waitsOf course mid-life isn’t the only season of waiting. A mother of young children may yearn for the day when she can have time to pursue her own interests and passions, or simply sleep and have uninterrupted conversations.

A father may long for the high stress work project to end so he can finally be relieved of the pressure and be more present to his family. Empty nesters may tire of waiting for the ache to go away as they endure the deafening silence of an empty home.

Some churches have a tradition of waiting until Christmas Day to sing the celebratory Christmas carols like Joy to the World and O Come All Ye Faithful. Until then, they keep to the contemplative waiting spirit of Advent by singing songs of waiting, yearning and longing like O Come, O Come Emmanuel and Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silent. I like that.

My 8-year-old son’s favorite Christmas carols have always been the ones in minor keys – We Three Kings, What Child is This, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen. He’s always been sensitive to music and I think that even his young, innocent heart intuitively knows that these songs express a deep longing and desire for God. A longing that is not yet completely fulfilled.

Do Advent themes of darkness, waiting and longing resonate with you? 

The Art of Letting Go of [Christmas] Expectations

04 Tuesday Dec 2012

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Chistmas woman 2December 25, 2004, was the straw that broke the camel’s back, the Christmas when the proverbial poop hit the fan. I finally said out loud to Andy what I’d been stuffing down for the eight years we’d been married: “I hate Christmas!”

I felt terrible saying this about one of the most sacred holidays. Of course, I didn’t hate celebrating the birth of Jesus. It was the crowded airplanes and airports I despised and spending 12 days of Christmas in a house packed with 12 relatives.

I loathed trying to come up with gift ideas for 19 relatives who already had everything they needed. I was bitter about spending evenings and weekends shopping.

The amount of toys our kids received at Christmas put a knot in my stomach. They already had more toys than they could play with, and I envisioned the playroom getting more cluttered with each gift they unwrapped.

Chistmas womanI was emotionally drained from trying to please and meet the expectations of my parents, two sets of in-laws, grandparents, husband, and children. Overall, I felt a deep sadness that the Christmas season, which I wanted to be a time of worship and meaningful reflection, was instead a season of strain and stress.

As I named all the things that sucked the life out of me at Christmas, I had an epiphany. Christmas doesn’t have to be this way! I can choose a different way, a better way.

I can say “no” to excess, people pleasing, and the things that (for me) crowd Jesus out of Christmas. And in saying “no” to these things I can say “yes” to a more peaceful, meaningful season that will give me and my family the space to ponder the mystery of the God who put on skin and entered into the mess.

Christmas has gotten progressively better over the years. We’ve stopped traveling and instead visit relatives during the summer. We gently encourage our parents to give our children fewer gifts. We spend a lot less time shopping by giving relational gifts of quality time.

Andy has released himself from the pressure to spend two cold, miserable Saturdays on a ladder, hanging up and taking down Christmas lights. And I’m very close to completely rejecting the myth that it’s my job to try to make everyone happy. Very close!

How about you? Are you feeling nudged to reject or release anything this Christmas? 

Free: Daily Scripture Readings for Advent

01 Saturday Dec 2012

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Advent Reader coverSometimes the best choice is the simplest one. That’s the philosophy behind these Daily Scripture Readings for Advent.

You’ll find one reading for each day of December leading up to and including Christmas Day.

The threads that tie these scriptures together are the traditional Advent themes of waiting, preparation, light in the darkness, and the coming of the Messiah.

I use these readings after the kids go to bed and the house is quiet. I turn off the lights in my living room, except for the lights of the Christmas tree, and either light a candle or the fireplace.

As I feel the warmth of the fire, I think of the warmth and nearness of God’s love. I read the scripture aloud. Then I sit quietly and still, giving space for the words to soothe, stir or dance in my heart.

In a month full of distractions, I’ve found this simple practice–this daily ritual–to be very grounding and centering.

Print and enjoy.

Daily Scripture Readings for Advent