• Home
  • Welcome
  • Bio
  • Writing
    • Book
    • Articles
  • Speaking
  • Media
  • Free
  • Contact
  • Blog

Marta Oti Sears

Marta Oti Sears

Category Archives: marriage

Bellies, Bikinis & True Love

05 Wednesday Mar 2014

Posted by Marta Oti Sears in body image, marriage

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

body image, marriage, post-baby body, post-pregnancy body

My short article “Bellies, Bikinis & True Love” was published on the Mothers of Preschoolers International (MOPS) blog on Valentine’s Day, but their server was overloaded for a couple of weeks and access was limited. It’s up and running now. For those who dislike Valentine’s Day, perhaps this will sit better with you on an ordinary day like today. Although today is Ash Wednesday, so it’s not really an ordinary day. 

bellies-bikinis-and-true-loveA bikini is no longer an option for me. After two pregnancies, my stretched out bellybutton turns down on both ends like it’s frowning. These days I want to be fully clothed when doing push ups or holding the plank position. Otherwise, my loose tummy skin hangs down like a wrinkly elongated bagel made of Jell-O.

It’s not totally hideous. I still walk around in my bra and underwear in front of my kids. But I’ve been tempted on more than one occasion to ask Siri, “How much is the cheapest tummy tuck in Portland, Oregon?”

When my husband, Andy, and I were lying in bed a few months ago, I said, “I’m just going to cover up my wrinkly tummy,” then pulled the sheet up over my stomach. Andy moved the sheet aside, kissed my stomach and said, “I love your wrinkly tummy and what it represents.”

No one else can say that to me, and mean it, but Andy.

3-stages-of-womans-belly-300x100I remember him touching and kissing my growing belly during my pregnancies, expressing his love for both our yet-to-be-born children and me. He’s continued to touch and kiss my tummy since then, sending me a beautiful, counter-cultural message: You are as beautiful at 40 as you were at 22.

When Andy and I were talking recently, we realized that we both think the other is more physically attractive now than when we were dating. We agreed that we were both more critical of each other back then. We didn’t criticize each other out loud, but we remember noticing things about each other’s appearance that we thought could use some improvement. I think that must have been part of immature love.

Today we see each other more clearly. We know each other more deeply. We’ve gone through hard times. We’ve asked each other for forgiveness. We’ve grown through failure and disappointment. Seventeen years of life shared together has adjusted our vision. We see clearly, now more than ever, that what we have is beautiful.

(Black and white 3-stages-of-a-woman’s-belly photos by photographers Sarah Sampedro and Savannah.)

Share this:

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Tumblr
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • Pocket
  • Email
  • Print

Like this:

Like Loading...

Why We Need to Read More Women

29 Wednesday Jan 2014

Posted by Marta Oti Sears in gender, justice, marriage

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

books, Christian women, gender equality, influence, Lauren Winner, Nadia Bolz-Weber, publishing, Rachel Held Evans, Rob Carmack, Sarah Bessey, Sarah Cunningham, Shauna Niequist, Susan Isaacs, women authors, women writers, writers, writing

My article “Why We Need to Read More Women: Our book choices reveal whose influence we value and whose we don’t” was published by Relevant magazine today.

Why we need to read more women image

“It’s a truth universally acknowledged that, although women read more than men, and books by female authors are published in roughly the same numbers, they are more easily overlooked,” Joanna Walsh wrote in a column in The Guardian last week.

And it seems she’s right. Though we can all think of a few women authors we love, most of our bookshelves seem to be laden with material mostly from male authors.

There’s more evidence of this beyond our own bookshelves. Vida, an organization that counts the number of times women and men are published in many of the world’s “most respected literary outlets,” publishes an annual “Count” with pie charts and reports of gender imbalance in the writing world. The numbers are sobering.

But does it matter? Does it matter if men only read books by male authors? Does it matter if women mostly read books by male authors? Yes. Because who we choose to read is who we allow and invite to influence us. Our book choices reveal whose influence we value and whose we don’t.

Blogger Rob Carmack recently lamented the fact that many Christians, especially Christian men, miss out on the powerful voices of women because they refuse to read what they refer to as “girl books” (books by women authors). Carmack believes part of the problem lies with Christian publishers that market books authored by women almost exclusively to women, in cover design and promotion. But Carmack has chosen, quite literally, not to judge a book by its floral or pastel cover in order to read more books by women. In doing so, he’s encountered compelling and insightful voices such as Rachel Held Evans, Sarah Bessey, Shauna Niequist, Sarah Cunningham, Susan Isaacs, Lauren Winner, Nadia Bolz-Weber and more.

In his post, Carmack specifically challenges Christian men to read more women authors. “It’s not just about equality or fairness—it’s about being part of a vibrant, relevant conversation,” he said. “If you want to miss it, that’s your choice, I suppose. As for me—not only for myself, but for my wife, my daughter and my son—I will listen to these great voices, and I will continue learning from what they have to say.”

I wanted to stand up and cheer when I read those words, but I also felt compelled to examine the male/female author ratio of the books I had recently read to see if I too needed to take up his challenge to read more women authors. Women’s bookshelves are certainly not immune to gender imbalance, since Christian women are as likely as men to hear messages that devalue the voices and influence of women, both within the Church and in the culture at large.

That’s why voices like Carmack’s, which acknowledge they have much to learn from those whom their culture (and Christian subculture) has marginalized, are so important. There’s a beautiful Kingdom-of-God quality to voices that question the status quo and confront culturally ingrained systems of power and privilege.

And giving equal weight to male and female voices is important in all areas of life, not just literature. Marriage researcher John Gottman found that husbands who are willing to be influenced by their wives experience happier marriages than men who resist their wives’ influence. His research revealed that the happiest, most stable marriages were those in which the husband respected his wife and willingly shared power and decision making with her.

This research isn’t surprising, and its implications seem to extend beyond the realm of marriage relationships. Even a cursory glance of the Gospels reveal that Jesus was a man who treated women with respect. Have you noticed that the healthiest and strongest men, the most whole men, the men who most resemble Jesus are the ones who respect, befriend, learn from and empower women?

These men see through counterfeit perceptions of masculinity that equate maleness with dominance. They refuse to be gatekeepers of male privilege and the “good ol’ boy” network, and if that means having to endure insults and attacks on their “manhood,” they do so.

The hope for the Church is that men and women will relate to each other from a posture of love rather than fear, realizing that God’s Kingdom is not a Kingdom of scarcity, but abundance. God’s table is big enough for all of us and all our voices.

The author of Genesis said that God created us—male and female—in God’s own image. When we intentionally or unintentionally cut ourselves off from listening to half of the world’s population, we miss out on the fullness of God.

The next time you’re on Amazon, notice the authors of the books in your browsing history. Notice the books that Amazon is recommending to you based on your history. If there are few or no women on your lists, you’ll face a decision: You can react defensively and try to convince yourself that your predominantly male library is in no need of change. Or you can see it as an opportunity to grow your library and yourself, and experience more of God as you embrace all the bearers of God’s image.

Rachel Held Evans recently posted a list of 101 Christian Women Speakers, many of whom are also writers, authors and bloggers. If you need a place to start, this is a good one.

Share this:

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Tumblr
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • Pocket
  • Email
  • Print

Like this:

Like Loading...

Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage

18 Friday Oct 2013

Posted by Marta Oti Sears in divorce, marriage

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Christian Marriage, divorce, Elisabeth Klein Corcoran, marriage, Unraveling

UnravelingCoverOne of my Redbud Writers Guild colleagues, Elisabeth Klein Corcoran, just released a new book called Unraveling: Hanging onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage (Abingdon Press).

Q&A with author/speaker Elisabeth Klein Corcoran

Question: What is your book about?

Answer: It’s basically a road map of emotions taking women through the really hard journey of a Christian marriage coming to an end.  I encourage women to feel every single feeling they’ve got, pretty much for as long as they need to.

Q:  Why did you want to share your story so publicly?

A: I’m not sure I wanted to necessarily, it’s more like I felt compelled to do so.  About six months into my separation, I realized I was being asked many questions but they were all boiling down to these three main concepts: people who didn’t hold to my faith wanted to know why I had stayed married so long; women in difficult Christian marriages themselves wanted to know how I had stayed married so long; and some Christians who disapproved without knowing the whole story wanted to know why I wasn’t staying married forever.

Once I realized I was hearing the same questions over and over, I wrote a series for Crosswalk and it sort of took on a life of its own.  Once I saw both the controversy and the resonance coming from the commenters, I realized that this was a topic that was being discussed but usually only from theological perspectives, not from the inside of an actual unraveling Christian marriage.  So, I decided to start writing, and changed the focus of my blog from pretty much every topic under the sun to difficult Christian marriages, domestic abuse, divorce in our Christian culture, and how the Church handles all of it.

Q: There are a lot of books on divorce out there. What’s different about yours?

A: There are a ton!  And I read most of them!  But each one I read was written after the fact.  And don’t get me wrong; that was great.  It was good and important for me to see that there was hope and joy and light down the road for me.  But I began writing this book at the beginning of my separation and all the way through my divorce, putting the finishing touches on it one year after my divorce was final.  So it was me – raw, uncensored basically – through the entire journey; not six months after the fact.  I had been looking for a book that would sort of hold my hand through being handed the divorce papers to walking out of court unmarried to lying in bed all day to finally, maybe getting back on with life, a little bit at a time.  And when I couldn’t find that book, I wrote that book.

Elisabeth1376686_10202067632714642_1675717426_n

Q: Why do you think divorce is so taboo?

A: First, I think that the average church-attending Christian doesn’t really know what the Bible says about divorce.  So, when someone they go to church with is going through it, they are holding up their skewed biblical lens (thinking to themselves how “God hates divorce”) and then judging.  Not everyone does this, of course, but as someone who didn’t have a clear picture herself of what God’s word says on this topic, I know that I did this quite a bit, especially as the women’s ministry leader at my church.

Also, I think – and this could just be me – there’s something to be said for, not divorce rubbing off on someone by any means, but the forced authenticity that seems to come with such a public brokenness.  And so, say if you’re in a difficult marriage too and you see another person going through it, it might scare you and freak you out a bit – how hard it all looks to go through it; and it might even make you think, “If I have to stay married, so should they…”  Again, it’s looking at someone through a judge’s lens.

I think we just don’t let each other into our lives enough.  Because most judgment, if you think about it, comes from someone outside the inner circle, not within arm’s length.  And if we were walking more closely with each other, I think we’d have much more empathy and understanding when anyone hit any kind of dark season.

Q: Any advice for women who are divorcing?

A: Just know that it may get worse before it gets better, but it will get better, I promise.  God has walked me through this so gently.  There has been so much pain and many moments when I felt utterly alone, and yet I believe that he has been with me during this entire thing…hard marriage all the way through now.  So, basically, it won’t always be this hard, and you are not alone.

Q: Any advice for someone who has a friend going through a divorce?

A: Love her, love her, love her.  Ask good questions.  Listen well.  Be patient: the grieving process may be messier and take longer than you’d expect.  It’s a death and should be treated that way.  Bring her a meal or take her out to dinner. Include her and her children in some of your family’s activities.  Check in with her regularly: divorce can be super isolating.  And love her, if I didn’t already mention that.

Elisabeth Klein Corcoran is the author of Unraveling: Hanging Onto Faith Through the End of a Christian Marriage, speaks several times a month to women’s groups, and is a member of Redbud Writers’ Guild. During her time at Christ Community Church’s Blackberry Creek Campus in Aurora, Illinois she began and led their women’s ministry for ten years prior to moving to the city’s Orchard Community Church. She lives with her children in Illinois. Visit her online at http://www.elisabethcorcoran.com/difficult-marriage-divorce/ or https://www.facebook.com/ElisabethKleinCorcoran.  She is the moderator of two private Facebook groups: one for women in difficult Christian marriages, and one for Christian women who are separated or divorced. Email her at elisabethkcorcoran@gmail.com if interested in joining.

Share this:

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Tumblr
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • Pocket
  • Email
  • Print

Like this:

Like Loading...

Bellies, Bikinis and True Love

15 Tuesday Jan 2013

Posted by Marta Oti Sears in body image, marriage

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

body image, marriage

A bikini is no longer an option for me. After two pregnancies, my stretched out bellybutton turns down on both ends like it’s frowning. Yep, these days I want to be fully clothed when I do push ups or put my body into the “plank” yoga position. Otherwise my loose tummy skin hangs down like a wrinkly elongated bagel made of jello.

It’s not totally hideous. I still walk around in my bra and underwear in front of my kids. But I’ve been tempted on more than one occasion to ask Siri (my personal iPhone assistant), “How much is the cheapest tummy tuck in Portland, Oregon?”

3-stages-of-womans-belly-300x100When Andy and I were lying in bed a few months ago, I pulled the sheet up over my stomach and said, “I’m just going to cover up my wrinkly tummy.” Andy moved the sheet aside, kissed my stomach and said, “I love your wrinkly tummy and what it represents.”

No one else can say that to me, and mean it, but Andy.

I remember him touching and kissing my growing belly during my pregnancies, expressing his love for me and our yet-to-be-born children. And he’s continued to touch and kiss my tummy since then, sending me a beautiful, counter-cultural message: You are as beautiful now at 39 as you were at 22.

We were talking yesterday and realized that we both think the other is actually more physically attractive now than when we were dating or newlyweds. We agreed that we were both more critical of each other back then. Not that we criticized each other out loud, but that we noticed things about each other’s appearance that we thought could use improvement.

I think that must have been part of immature love. Now we see each other clearly. We know each other deeply. We’ve gone through hard times. We’ve asked for forgiveness. We’ve grown through failure and disappointment.

Seventeen years of life shared together has adjusted our vision. We see clearly, now more than ever, that what we have is beautiful.

(Photos are by photographers Sarah Sampedro and Savannah.)

Share this:

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Tumblr
  • LinkedIn
  • Reddit
  • Pocket
  • Email
  • Print

Like this:

Like Loading...

Marta Oti Sears

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 50 other subscribers
Member of Redbud Writers Guild

Recent Posts

  • Does Lent make you squirm?
  • Practicing the Art of Neighboring
  • Summer [Justice] Book Clubs for Kids
  • Dare Mighty Things
  • Wash Someone’s Feet Today [Maundy Thursday]

Categories

  • "traditional" family model
  • Advent
  • at-home mom
  • body image
  • calling
  • Christmas
  • coaching
  • community
  • differentiation
  • divorce
  • equality
  • family traditions
  • gender
  • holiday
  • invisible mom
  • justice
  • leadership
  • Lent
  • loss of self
  • marriage
  • mom myths
  • New Year's
  • parenting
  • quotes
  • rest
  • sexuality
  • sports
  • summer
  • Uncategorized
  • Whole mom
  • youth sports

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Follow Following
    • Marta Oti Sears
    • Join 50 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Marta Oti Sears
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...
 

    %d bloggers like this: